Finally a plan

Its N2′s birthday today. He is turning four. Seems like yesterday we bought him home from the hospital. When he was about a month old he developed a year infection and had to be admitted to the hospital. It was the same hospital I would be going today to meet my new doctor. Two different departments but still the same feeling of fear and uncertainty as DH and I drove to the hospital. DH is still coming to terms with all this. He is still dismissive when I express fear that this maybe serious. “Its nothing you will see” he keeps saying. I don not know what I do not have faith in his belief and my parents conviction. My instinct says it’s not going to be that easy. My heart wants them to be right but my brain dismisses that possibility.

RWJ is a huge hospital. Nothing demure or small about it. The building my doctor’s office was a part of is called The Cancer Institute of New Jersey [CINJ]. It housed a few other departments as well. The receptionist was professional and at the same time approachable. I filled the same forms for what felt like the millionth time. Since the start of this process I must have filled the same looking form a million times. The same names and addresses and insurance information and health histories. The process gets old very fast.

The waiting room reminded me again how much I felt out-of-place in this scenario. Older people with solemn faces. So not fair I thought with a degree of self-pity and anger. The wait was not long. This office could not be any different from the other doctor I had gone too. Well organized and hustling. There was a separate room for the initial weight, height, BP process. The BP machine worked fine and so did everything. I was getting more confident by the minute that even though this was a second opinion I wanted to be a patient here than at my other surgeon. I was then escorted to a room. Again a stark contrast to my earlier doctor. It was well equipped with its own ultrasound machine and surgical equipment. The irrational thought that they may just take the tumor out, put a band-aid and send me home crossed my mind.The nurse left me to disrobe and left.

The doctor came in fairly quickly. In the first few minutes I took an instant linking to her. Mostly because she understood how important getting diagnosed was to me. She understood my frustration of not knowing. She had already seen my films. She quickly surveyed the lump via ultrasound and in the next 20 minutes she outlined a plan one that did not include immediate surgery. She wants to get another biopsy done followed by a MRI. She did not sugarcoat it for me. She mentioned that there was more than fair possibility of this being malignant and then gave us a brief overview of what she thought was the ideal plan of progress if it was. Due to my age she wanted to treat me aggressively to prevent recurrence. She wanted to chemo and then surgery. Sitting there all of it hit me again and I teared up. Just the thought of loosing all my hair is very frightening. I am not a vain person by miles. My hairstyle includes assembling [not combing] my hair into a pony tail but the thought that I would lose my hair suddenly took priority over the fact that it maybe cancer, the fact that there are other effects from chemo which are worst than this. It is amazing how my sense of self-worth was so rooted into how I looked something I had made fun for years.

Dr.K patiently answered every question DH and I had. Then she personally went out and setup my biopsy at a facility a mile from my house. From the sound of it she probably bullied/scared them into giving me an appointment Thursday for the biopsy. DH won’t be there that day but the other choice was to wait for when he returns Monday but I really did not want to wait that long. I am just glad the wheels are turning towards a diagnosis. The fear of the unknown is the most frustrating .

This entry was posted on Monday, February 27th, 2012 at 3:16 am and is filed under Discovery. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.