Some things are permanent….

Its going to be a long day tomorrow. Its is going to be permanent day tomorrow. Ironically its an important day in my adopted country’s history. Something that changed a lot here permanently; A cityscape , multitude of lives, the innocence of an entire generation. Its is going to be a similar day for me tomorrow. By this time tomorrow I would have lost a part of my body irreparably irrevocably. I am having a mastectomy tomorrow and its freaking me out. It may sound vain to a lot of you especially guys. Losing a breast may not be such a big deal [Side note: Having breast cancer makes you very callous about using the word breast. It just flows of your tongue much easier than it used to before.] But I digress. Yes there will be reconstruction, yes I will look the same again in a few months but the original part wont be there and that is causing me to be very melancholy about it.

Right since girls hit puberty breasts are very much a part of the landscape. You hide them, flaunt them, nurture your kids with them. Its one of the attributes that define you as a woman and I am scared to lose it albeit for a few months. NO amount of rationalization I am offering my mind is helping the sinking feeling in my heart. Yes there a lot of people out there worse off who have lost far more crucial limbs, there are multitudes out there who have triumphed over losing multiple limbs and are out there doing great things. Yes I do not need my breast as a vital organ but it’s still my pound of flesh, One which has been there most of my life. Parting with it is not easy, saying goodbye to a muscle mass does not have protocols, grieving over an organ has no handbook but I am still going to try.

My one persistent thought is my plan to change my name and move to Mexico so they can’t find me and operate on me but I have a sneaky feeling my kids would definitely find me there. My kids are one of the biggest motivation to get better, to go through with this although the anticipation is killing me. Maybe the new reality tomorrow will not be that bad, maybe like how a great city gathered its ruins and rebuilt a new albeit changed landscape I will be new whole again in a few months but all that seems like such a distant future. If I could just get through tomorrow maybe things would not look so bleak. Today was the day I had asked all of you I needed your help with. The day when everything feels grayscale and I need a rainbow. When there is a fog all around and I need a few sun rays. So tomorrow around noon US time and late night Indian time spare a thought, whisper a prayer, spray some pixie dust and just keep me in mind and maybe in all the anesthesia daze the goodwill will reach me and give me the courage to plow through all this and come out after about 6 hours of surgery on the other side safe and healthy.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 11th, 2012 at 1:06 am and is filed under Discovery. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.